I Don't Need to Choose
For a long time I thought I knew which boxes I fit into. Or rather "should" fit into. Introvert. Messy. NOT a morning person. I thought in order to be healthy, I needed to have meditation, yoga, running, salads, green juice and HIT be part of my every day, or at LEAST every week. (I mean, even writing that sentence was exhausting). Recently, I've felt myself zigzagging between feeling happy and content, and feeling anxious and depressed, asking "which one am I?"
Then I realised I can be both. It may seem obvious to some, or it may seem super contradictory, but to me this thought was a game changer.
It turns out I can be in the middle of the introvert / extrovert spectrum. I can be content and anxious, messy and organised, love both early mornings and sleeping in. I can have healthy meals and Dominos, days when I barely go outside, and days where I go for long walks and get plenty of exercise. There are seven days in a week and they do not need to look the same.
I used to find a box to sit in, only to find another box that also fit, so maybe a leg in each was the key? But then another box would appear and then another and I do not have enough limbs to hold onto every single box. I needed to build my own box and that one is large and vast and complex enough to hold all of me. A box where I can love both dogs and cats, drink tea and coffee, listen to McFly and Mastodon while journaling half in Norwegian, half in English and feeling at home and homesick all at once.
Until I was nearly twenty I even thought I had to choose between straight and gay. Then I discovered the word "Bisexual" and now I realise that was the start of me being authentically me, coming out as bi. I'd later discover that not needing to choose at all would apply to so many aspects of my life and leading to me feeling so much more at peace with who I am, what I need and how that changes from day to day.
One side of me does not cancel out the other and the word "should" can get f*****.
I shared these thoughts with a couple of friends who said it resonated with them, so here's me sharing just in case you needed to read this too. I sure did. Turns out I'm not just two sides of a page. I'm an origami crane that also looks like a dragon. And in certain light, a badass, bi, INFJ Taurus in her late twenties living her best life.