So I’ve been away for a while. I’d apologise, but I’m learning not to do that so much anymore. A lot has happened since I last posted to this blog and I used it as an excuse, thinking I’d leave it now until things normalise. But the thing is, I can’t control when things normalise, none of us can. And it seems "normal" isn't coming around anytime soon. The last post I published was about touring with the band I play bass in, Audiokicks. This was the end of February, when Corona was this obscure thing that was so far away that it didn’t apply to us. We were still confused about why it was named after a Mexican beer and joked about the Guinness virus, as we named our hangovers.
A couple of weeks later my relationship ended. Seven years we’d been together, and the thing is, when something that’s been a part of your life from just before your 20th birthday to just before your 27th, it feels like a part of you. It is a part of you. So when that ends, your whole life is flipped upside down. Then the whole world flipped upside down.
I moved out of our home and into a friend’s flat (thank you roomie!). “Stay here a couple of weeks” he said. “As long as you need”. And then lockdown happened, and I lived on a mattress in his spare room, everything I own in bin bags and boxes, for six weeks. I remember speaking to my family in Norway when they were locked down. I remember discussions at the shop I work in about when we’d close and how crazy it was that we were still open. How crazy it was that the country was still open. All I could think of was how my life felt open and closed at the same time.
The truth is, ending my relationship is the bravest thing I’ve ever done. It’s the only decision I’ve ever made while putting myself centre stage. For the longest time I played the background character in everyone else’s production and it turns out mine was left without a lead.
Now, I’m in my own flat, with my own things no longer in boxes and bin bags. My days are fuelled by red wine more often than not and I stumble between feeling lost and seeing a clear path. I’m flawed and I’m a complete mess most of the time, but I’m working on not apologising for that. I’m stumbling between feeling like a lost little girl and an independent woman. I’m stumbling.
Lockdown has forced me to spend time with myself. While connecting with friends and family over Whereby, FaceTime, Zoom and Hangouts, I’m forced to be alone. And as painful as that can be some days, I know deep down that it’s a good thing. So here I am, posting again, getting this blog of mine back up and running, because writing is too important for me to lose.
I’ll be back writing about anything and everything. Writing about self and love and loss and lockdown. I'll be back in a fortnight.
Stay home, stay safe x